Twilight makes me want to become a Christian, so God will forgive me for watching it.

Note, this post has nothing to do with wine. Rather it is a cautionary tale told to let people know of one of the horrors currently lurking in that vast jungle known as pop culture.
Also note that as bad i felt this movie is, it is nowhere as bad as Juno.

Last night my curiousity got the better of me and I watched the film Twilight with my wife (who hated the film more than me), which is based of a book by the same title that has legions of obsessive fans of all ages, to try and figure out just what the fucking big deal was. Now i’ll readily admit that i’m not the target for this type of thing, but there is nothing out there that could have prepared me for what i saw. i can’t remember seeing a mainstream movie in the past few years that was so aggressively poor in every aspect from cinematography to some of the most ridiculous overacting this side of a porno. So basically i was expecting bad, and got the cultural nadir of western civilization [/hyperbole]..

If you don’t know, as i didn’t prior, Twilight is the story of a generically pretty young girl who moves from Phoenix to some town in Washington where it is always fucking blue. The movie starts to take a turn for the worse right at this point, when the blue filter that is prevalent throughout the film starts to turn the characters into frostbite victims instead of suitably pale emos. When the girl moves into town she meets a smoldering vampire with a wacky haircut and powdered makeup that makes him look like a refugee from colonial Boston, sans wig. This vampire lives with other smoldering vampires who have equally wacky haircuts and who drive commando jeeps to school and do vampire stuff like kill animals and play vampire baseball, which is like our baseball but with the ability to ruin an entire film. The girl and the vampire fall in love eventually, which seems to consist mostly of looking into each other’s eyes with such concentration that they physically begin to shake and you wonder if love might just be a minor form of palsy and then you feel bad for them, because they just can’t stop shaking and palsy is hard to live with. Later on it comes out that the vampire is a serial stalker who breaks into girls houses to watch them sleep, which is played up as romantic, and not in any way strange. This is the extent of their romance or about when i stopped paying serious attention, either one works.

There is also some other wholly unnecesary stuff that happens in the movie, like the group of euro trash vampires showing up to pose and give the story some semblance of a plot, and some weird references to werewolves and the folklore of the natives that is risibly transparent in terms of future plots that they may have just tacked it on to a “in the next episode” trailer at the end. Other characters come and go throughout the movie with little or no reason besides being simplistic plot devices or window dressing. Whole sequences of the movie are shot in the style of R&B videos from the mid-eighties which, in their hilarity, provide welcome respite from the heavy handedness of the love story.

Also you learn that vampires can fly around the forest like kung-fu masters and that they sparkle in the sun, which makes them look like cheap quartz. The book can’t possibly be this fucking bad can it?

I could go on about this movie, but i won’t because i don’t have the energy. Now excuse me now while i go to church

~ by Cory Cartwright on April 11, 2009.

5 Responses to “Twilight makes me want to become a Christian, so God will forgive me for watching it.”

  1. Wait, Twilight vampires have bishie sparkles? Like, literally?

  2. They literally sparkle in the sun. It is the most embarrassing non-stalker part of the whole movie.

  3. “Let the Right One In”, a Swedish movie from last year, also about young vampires, is quite good (one of the better movies in ’08 to my mind)…watch that one to erase these memories!

  4. This post was quite wonderful. I cannot bring myself to watch this movie because I cannot stand that blue frostbite filter… it’s terrifying in a non-intentional way.

  5. This post actually is topical to your blog in that we might have had too much wine when we decided to watch this.

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